Flipping through channels the other day, I stopped briefly at PBS’s latest ode to Darwin. After a couple minutes, it hit me: That whole hypothesis about adaptive behavior and natural selection is so true!

Witness, for example, how adeptly a biologist camouflages his conclusions against that vast body of fact which utterly undermines the theory of evolution—thereby preserving his status in the herd.

Don’t Just Make Sales. Create Experiences.

This past Christmas, my wife decided she wanted a night away from the house, instead of a “thing”—so we booked a room at Aloft for Friday, January 8^th.

Full story at this address: http://bit.ly/bbj-aloft

I’m on a horse - -

If you haven’t already seen the latest Old Spice body-wash ad, stop reading and click on this link immediately: http://bit.ly/smell-like-me

First, I love the creative strategy: Don’t sell this product directly to men. Sell it to women—who make the majority of those purchasing decisions.

Next, find a guy who’s so gorgeous no woman could take her eyes off the screen—and yet, so funny (in a manly-man kind of way) that guys really do wish they could be like him. BTW: His name is Isaiah Mustafa—and before his acting career, he was a wide receiver for the Seattle Seahawks. And yes, that’s his voice.

Then there’s the script—which is as strong a piece of writing, from a language standpoint, as any I’ve ever seen. Ever. And did I mention it actually sells the product?

Then there’s the production—and here’s where it gets really cool: The entire spot is a single, live shot with no edits, and no green-screen effects (except for the diamonds and the bottle that appear on his hand). The bathroom / shower backdrop is physically pulled up and out of the shot, revealing the boat. When the camera moves in close on Mustafa, he carefully sits on a device that slowly slides him onto the horse for the final shot.

Again, it’s a single shot. Of course, it took three days—and 57 takes—before they got everything perfect. Think about that. You have to love an actor who can deliver that kind of enthusiasm on Take 57.

Finally, there’s the media strategy: Although you know you probably have the best spot that would run on the Super Bowl, ignore your ego. Take that single-spot price of $3 million, and buy half a dozen spots on the Olympics—which skews decidedly female. And then get super-lucky with the ratings—which have not only exceeded all expectations, but are actually setting all-time Olympic viewership records. How big? Wednesday the 17^th, the Olympics did something no show has done since 2004: Beat “American Idol.”

Major kudos to the creative team of Craig Allen and Eric Kallman of Wieden + Kennedy in Portland, Oregon (the agency you might know better as Nike’s main shop). If you guys ever get tired of rainy winters, there’s a corner office at Hare Communications with your names on it: Mine.

Small Site Scores Big.

We recently launched a nice website on a shoestring budget for a buddy of ours—who manufactures the world’s greatest supplemental game feeder. Unbeknownst to us, Hindsight Management (led by Birmingham ad legend Jim Riley) evaluated the site’s effectiveness using The Riley Persuasion Index. Jim reports that it earned the highest score he can remember.

Anyhow, if you have friends who hunt, and/or own hunting property, send them to www.buckeyefeeders.com And tell-em the folks at Hare Communications sent you!

BTW: If you’re interested in learning more about Hindsight Management, visit their website at http://www.hindsightmanagement.com/

NOTE: Sadly, The Birmingham News has dropped my favorite Editorial Page columnist, David Brooks. Below is a condensed version of a column of his I saved years ago.

We now have to work under the assumption that every American has a tattoo. Whether we are at a formal dinner, at a professional luncheon, at a sales conference or arguing before the Supreme Court, we have to assume that everyone in the room is fully tatted up — that under each suit, dress or blouse, there is at least a set of angel wings, a barbed wire armband, a Chinese character or maybe even a fully inked body suit. We have to assume that any casual antitattoo remark will cause offense, even to those we least suspect of self-marking.

Everybody who has been to the beach this summer has observed that tattoos are now everywhere. There are so many spider webs, dolphins, Celtic motifs and yin-yang images spread across the sands, it looks like a New Age symbology conference with love handles.

Today, fashion trends may originate on Death Row, but it takes about a week and a half for baggy jeans, slut styles and tattoos to migrate from Death Row to Wal-Mart.

And that’s the most delightful thing about the whole tattoo fad. A cadre of fashion-forward types thought they were doing something to separate themselves from the vanilla middle classes but are now discovering that the signs etched into their skins are absolutely mainstream. They are at the beach looking across the acres of similar markings and learning there is nothing more conformist than displays of individuality, nothing more risk-free than rebellion, nothing more conservative than youth culture.

Another generation of hipsters, laid low by the ironies of consumerism.

—DAVID BROOKS
August 27, 2006

(  The complete version of this article can be found at  http://bit.ly/dvP49V )

(Original post, 2.2.10 — Tuesday before the Super Bowl)

If you haven’t seen the latest e-Trade ad, they’ve replaced the sweet-but-worldly-wise baby (who’s loved, at latest count, by everyone who’s ever seen him) with an insufferable, sarcasm-spouting smartass.

And while I’m not privy to e-Trade’s research (which would have to indicate that this change of character and tone is warranted by the market’s mood), I’m seeing an extremely imprudent misuse of the brand e-Trade established with his predecessor.

For starters, the first boy certainly had the capacity to mock and talk back, but he did it in a much nicer way. And he was well-established as a friendly, sympathetic character long before he developed an edge. Second, the kid had as perfectly-cast a talent doing his voice as any I can remember in advertising ever.

The new boy not only lacks Kid One’s massive likeability factor, he doesn’t have The Voice. But the worst part is, Kid Two’s script plows no new thematic ground—so there’s really no good reason to make the switch. At least, none that I can see.

What do you think? Feel free to chime-in if you have any thoughts.

http://bit.ly/e-timeout

(POST-SUPER-BOWL UPDATE, 2.9.10 — Tuesday after Super Bowl)

I said it first. Time’s ad critic, James Poniewozik, said it funnier. Way funnier. I quote: “This new E*Trade baby is a little bit of a d-bag, isn’t he?”

http://bit.ly/e-brat

(By the way, this second link will lead you to all the ads that ran during the Super Bowl).

(OK, so it doesn’t work for everybody.)

In the space of roughly 3 minutes during Jay Leno’s 9:00 debut show on September 14, Kanye West effectively transformed himself from a leading candidate for my personal All-Time Celebrity Buffoon award to a guy I suddenly liked way more than I ever did before his Taylor Swift / VMA blunder.

If you’re now scratching your head for an explanation (and I salute your noble disregard of our ever-declining pop culture), Kanye West—on September 13—interrupted teen country singer Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech during MTV’s Video Music Awards ceremony to proclaim Beyonce the rightful recipient of Swift’s award. The good news is, even an MTV audience (never a bellwether of social grace) still recognizes abject egotism when they see it—and promptly showered West with a downpour of angry boos.

Talk about a George Costanza moment: “Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?” Actually, Kanye: No, you shouldn’t have. But so what? We’re talking about a superstar here—why should he care? Or so I thought. I was wrong. The next night, Kanye—who was already scheduled to perform on Leno—asked for a few moments to publicly apologize for his actions. Below is an excerpt of that apology.

“I’m just ashamed that [I] caused someone else’s hurt…And I don’t try to justify it because I was just in the wrong…Period. But I need to, after this, take some time off and just analyze how I’m going to make it through the rest of this life, how I’m going to improve.”

As a longtime observer of public apologies, what I found so extraordinary was this: There’s not even the hint of an excuse in those words. And while the online responses to the apology were overwhelmingly dismissive, I watched the video clip—and I believed him. More importantly, I applauded him.

What I didn’t know, until well after the fact, is that the VMA flap is far from Kanye’s first public ego trip. Still, the point here remains valid: Whether you’re a multiplatinum-selling rapper, a major corporate CEO, or a part-time checker at Burger Doodle, nothing restores a damaged image more effectively than a genuine, heartfelt apology.

Let me put it as simply as possible. When you screw up: Say. You’re. Sorry. And mean it. And don’t ever, EVER, use the word “but”. No matter how well-crafted the reasoning, “I’m sorry, but..” isn’t an apology. It’s an insult.

Which is not to say that extenuating circumstances cannot be incorporated into an apology. They can be—and, in many instances, should be. But not if the net result is a non-apology. Here’s a classic example: After former Alabama Governor Guy Hunt was found, in 1991, to have used the state plane for transportation to multiple preaching engagements that earned him thousands dollars, he issued the following statement: “I made a mistake when I failed to realize how a simple worship service in the practice of my personal religious faith could turn into such a controversy. And for that error in judgment, I am sorry.”

That’s not an apology for royally bilking Alabama taxpayers for his own personal gain. It’s a middle finger for the people who had a problem with it.

Two years later, former Attorney General Janet Reno took full responsibility for the disastrous FBI attack on the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, Texas—which left 75 dead, including 25 children. She stared straight into the cameras and said, “I made the decisions; I’m accountable. The buck stops with me.” She later assured Ted Koppel on Nightline that she would resign if necessary. Had a Presidential election been held the next day, Reno would have won in a landslide.

All that said, there’s no guarantee that an apology—no matter how heartfelt and genuine—will always make everything better. Some people just aren’t willing to forgive—no matter what. The good news for you is, that’s their problem.

Originally published in the Birmingham Business Journal,  October 5, 2009

Francis:

On New Year’s Day, I found (carefully stored in a long-unused file drawer) a 1981 R.E.M. 45 RPM single—released on Hib Tone Records, and signed by the entire band. Bassist Mike Mills included a personal note to Martha: “Hi Martha — 404-546-0365”.

Seeing as how I haven’t felt the need to play it in the last 27 years, I listed it on eBay. It sold for $99 to a 20-something entertainment-software sales executive in Los Angeles.

I have not called Mike’s number to see if he still lives there. Lemme know if you do.

In January 2009, the Birmingham News reported that the Jefferson County Commission was seriously considering a sewer system Non User Fee—to be paid by residents, you guessed it, NOT on the system.

In response, my good friend Tassos Touloupis authored the press release below. When it (shockingly) didn’t generate any coverage, I brought it to the attention of my buddy Jerry Underwood at the Birmingham News—who obviously knows a good story when he sees one!

——————————–

For Immediate Release – March 23, 2009

BIRMINGHAM RESTAURANT TO CHARGE A NON-DINERS FEE

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. – Ted’s Restaurant, with two locations in Birmingham, Alabama, is implementing a Non-Diners Fee for Jefferson County residents who do not eat at Ted’s.

Because of the economic slow-down affecting the entire country, people are not dining out as frequently.  Tasos Touloupis, who owns and operates Ted’s with his wife, Beba, had to get resourceful to generate necessary revenue. “I must give credit to the Jefferson County Commission for this idea,” said Mr. Touloupis. “Like everyone else, when I first heard the Commissioners wanted to charge a ‘Non-Users Fee’ to Jefferson County residents who do not use the sewer system, I thought they had eaten some bad fried green tomatoes.  But when I found out they were serious, I saw the genius of the proposal.”

Ted’s Non-Diners Fee will work like this: Ted’s will maintain a record of customers. At the end of each month, Ted’s will send a $12 NDF Invoice to any Jefferson County resident who did not eat at Ted’s during the month.  Diners may eat at either Ted’s location (328 12th St South or Ted’s To Go at 1801 4th Ave South) for an exemption.  To encourage cooperation, Ted’s will give a free meal to those paying an NDF Invoice in person. Though lines at Ted’s can be long during peak hours, they move fast — not like at the courthouse.

In these extraordinary times, this is a necessary new policy. By eating at Ted’s, diners pay the salaries of waitresses, cooks and other staff. They keep utilities running. They pay the suppliers of fresh vegetables and savory meats.  After paying the multiple taxes, licenses and other government fees required of restaurants, there sometimes is a little left over for the owners and their children. “But it hurts everyone when diners start brown-bagging it too much for lunch,” said Mr. Touloupis. “Besides, excessive use of brown bags means trees have to die, so the Non-Diners Fee is good for the environment.”

Ted’s Non-Diners Fee will begin effective April 1, 2009, in Jefferson County. If necessary, Ted’s will extend the Non-Diners Fee to Washington, D.C., later this year.

Ted’s is a family-owned and operated restaurant. They don’t serve fast food — just good food, fast.

###

For More Information:

Tasos Touloupis 205-266-0715 info@tedsbirmingham.com

“Writing is easy. You just sit at your typewriter and concentrate until beads of blood form on your forehead.”

—George Axelrod, 1922 – 2003

“If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re still happy.”

—Dorothy Parker

“If they laid all the coeds from Yale end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.”

—Dorothy Parker

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

—Bill Watterson  (Calvin and Hobbes)